The MirrorThe mirror Share a connection- whether dinner, movie, drinking, talking, just hanging out; We have, or had, a total bond. Erath wine- screw cap, no cork; bed/floor- spirits and good times; Constant friends, always in life! Planted seed of confidence- always knew I mattered, never knew that much. A Paradox! Never wanted to ask, afraid of answer. Now develop feelings, but know that I am valued more as “someone without” that feeling; To free the truth would violate expectations; I thought I could think it away, pretend it away, ignore it away! Continued to respect your interests, more than my own desires; recognized that your happiness is more important than my desires. Over time it got stronger- Japan, thought it would fade away- instead I passed the minutes and hours, pressing and pushing at the gym. Earthquake/nuclear reactor- thought of losing so strong; realized what you meant, realized the pain of losing you. Came back- tried to play it cool; Hid feelings- thought maybe I would lose interest; Started hanging out a lot- daily. Tried to maintain neutrality, or at least provide best appearance of it, and respect your wishes. So hard- began to feel awkward, certain situations were mentally and physically intimate. Yoga, working out, even sharing a quick nap in your bed. Began to feel like I was betraying you; betraying your thoughts of who I was, and who I was to be. Moved – thought maybe that was the opportunity I needed to forget; Still couldn’t- “Nuclear Option.” Destruction of the friendship would be the only way to forget and move on; Still failed. You’re everything to me. And have been. What will do it? Very torn up. Spent so much time, every hour, and every day…denying, lying to myself, pretending. Is it possible to lie to yourself? Is it possible that I will one day believe the whispers I tell myself? The denial? I hear your voice every day, and I see your smile every night. How to stop this….? She’s gonna read this, and ask: “What do u want me to say? I have another life now. This is in the past.” What do I answer…? How do I face this? This love- it wont die. I’ve tried everything. I’m afraid it’s forever long.

The mirror

Share a connection-
whether dinner, movie, drinking, talking, just hanging out;
We have, or had, a total bond.
Erath wine- screw cap, no cork;
bed/floor- spirits and good times;
Constant friends, always in life!

Planted seed of confidence- always knew I mattered, never knew that much. A Paradox! Never wanted to ask, afraid of answer.

Now develop feelings, but know that I am valued more as “someone without” that feeling;
To free the truth would violate expectations;
I thought I could think it away, pretend it away, ignore it away!

Continued to respect your interests, more than my own desires; recognized that your happiness is more important than my desires.
Over time it got stronger- Japan, thought it would fade away- instead I passed the minutes and hours, pressing and pushing at the gym.

Earthquake/nuclear reactor- thought of losing so strong; realized what you meant, realized the pain of losing you.

Came back- tried to play it cool;
Hid feelings- thought maybe I would lose interest; Started hanging out a lot- daily.
Tried to maintain neutrality, or at least provide best appearance of it, and respect your wishes.
So hard- began to feel awkward, certain situations were mentally and physically intimate. Yoga, working out, even sharing a quick nap in your bed.

Began to feel like I was betraying you; betraying your thoughts of who I was, and who I was to be. Moved – thought maybe that was the opportunity I needed to forget;
Still couldn’t- “Nuclear Option.”

Destruction of the friendship would be the only way to forget and move on; Still failed. You’re everything to me. And have been.

What will do it? Very torn up.
Spent so much time, every hour, and every day…denying, lying to myself, pretending. Is it possible to lie to yourself? Is it possible that I will one day believe the whispers I tell myself? The denial? I hear your voice every day, and I see your smile every night. How to stop this….?

She’s gonna read this, and ask: “What do u want me to say? I have another life now. This is in the past.”

What do I answer…? How do I face this? This love- it wont die. I’ve tried everything. I’m afraid it’s forever long.

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Gonna kick myself

Ok well not that anyone will ever see this, but there is the rule of “six degrees of separation” so in theory if just one person saw this, potentially, someone else would know me too. Hope that’s not the case though.

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Of People and poetry

Just curious if anyone has ever written poetry about one person, an epic poem, so deep you know should
You tell it, not only that it would
Be published, but also that it would
Be copied?

Have you written such a piece, only to realize that the piece was not about the initial subject, rather, that it was/is a ballad of something or someone else?

That now you know, and now, you realize even though said poetry could be published, that instead you would
Simply share it? Is not that the nature
Of poetry! Poetry is simply communication, it is not a method of profit, of quantity, of demand and prices and cost.

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Hmm what to do?

Ok, so what to do here:

Background: Had feelings for this girl for years, but never let her know, or told her, as I know she values our friendship greatly; she’s told me on numerous occasions that she’s thankful that our friendship has been the one unbreakable male relationship in her life. I mean the girl memorized all my fav foods, and knows waay more about me than any past gf know.

Basically we’re best friends, so I’ve protected her and the friendship by never letting on. oh ya and I have had gf (as she has had bf) off and on for the duration of the friendship.

Recently she got a job and moved away, and we’ve all but stopped talking. I figured at this point, it may be healthy for me to delete her from my life. So her phone number is gone, mutual friends cut, social networks cut, etc.

Update:
Well it’s been about a month since we last talked, and im guessing she has no clue that I’m trying to get over the feelings (and move on) as she has no clue about them.

Well she started texting me asking to catch up on life (yesterday and today) and I haven’t responded.

sooo…
I actually got the courage to tell her that
I’m trying to get over feelings for her and need time & distance for that to happen. Course, there’s no going back to being good friends once i say that, it’s like nuking a friendship, one of my oldest friendships.

Also, I’m not gonna lie, like most optimistic people, I’ve always held out hope she felt the same way. I doubt it, but it’s possible she does.

Question:
So do I tell the truth, push the button and nuke the friendship?

Or do I just keep on sailing straight, risking the dangers of being sunk (i.e. Being hopelessly in love) in her sea of amazingness?

Ugh. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t have her number so it took a few texts before I realized it was her textin me.

I typed out the “Nuke” option, but didn’t send it, as it didn’t feel right ending a friendship via text.

Oh man..any advice, world?

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On the wings of beer…

Well flying has always been an interest if mine; as a child instead of collecting sports cards and basketball/baseball cards I chose to collect aircraft cards. Yes they do exist, and yes they have a plethora of statistics and information on them. From service use & mission type profiles, to technical specifications including engine thrust and type, all the way to most highly used squadrons. Like the sports guys, I too memorized the information on the back of the cards, and have since retained a great deal. Today, as a civilian, I can recognize and identify nearly any military aircraft that had been used, stretching back to world war II, and all makes and types. Well, the bottom line is that my infatuation led me to believe that someday I would be a fighter pilot. Of course this never happened- in high school I became aware of the despotic nature of governmental bureaucracy, and immediately decided I would not surrender my intellectual abilities to the whims of a hierarchal structure.

So fast forward 10 years and I have instead surrendered my intellectual freedom to corporations…and I am wishing for the simple and perhaps honorable life of the military.

But perhaps I have found an appropriate equilibrium: private contractor hired by the government to provide my specialty services to the military complex. So while I am no pilot I get to have access to the very planes I once studied.

Of course today marks the end of an observatory phase for the military and I am on my way back home- what better to celebrate success than with a crisp refreshing and citrus-infused wheat beer such as Blue Moon?

Nonstop flight leaving in 30…better get going!

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Back to home

Well it’s 10pm-ish, and I’m back in my hotel. Tonight- had some beers, some wine, some fish kebab (salmon, scallop, halibut, shrimp, lobster, pineapple, green/red pepper, onion…), a walk on the beach, live music (2 bands! Two locations, neither of which I ate at!), had to tag along with the old folk though haha!

Ok so, government comped business trips are pretty awesome on a number of levels, but the one level that always seems to fail is social companionship, i.e. A wingman! Haha.

But, no worries, it’s the end of the work week, so it is time to board that flight (drunk that is haha!) and fly on back home to Portland.

Ah snap; I hang out in San Diego one week, Albuquerque the next week, Portland after that, and most likely, back down to San Diego after that.

What a life; next up? Achieving my facility clearance. Course, 99.9% of people reading this (ie one person lol) will not know what that is. Ok, so when you are a federal contractor you can apply for a facility clearance permit- this clears your facility to have access to classified documents. It’s necessary if you are attempting to secure bids requiring classified documents.

Well snap. I’m about to hit the sack. I’m done haha

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The Good Life

It’s hard to believe how fast your life can change following graduation. They say we live in a tough economy; I wouldn’t know…I should..but I don’t! Hired as an engineer following a degree or two, neither of which were engineering, and immediately experiencing increasing returns to investment. Let’s see…last year as a part time worker, full time student, I grossed about 25k. This year, I should hit 73k. Funny.

Anyways, here I am, in San Diego on business, it’s so warm you can wear shorts and tshirt in mid October, on the beach. Hey, I got sunburned!

I’m thinking the life of a contractor is pretty cush. Let’s see… $71/day federal perdiem, work done by 3pm, have all night to hit the town, check out the clubs & bars, take a walk down the beach, eat some food, watch a FB game, catch some live music, and do it again every day. $25,000 in food expenses covered per year, courtesy of mr. Government. Haha, that’s more than what I pay in taxes! Figure that one out my friends!

Well now the only thing that could make this better would be to share it with someone; there is my gf, but I feel so done with her!

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