Share a connection-
whether dinner, movie, drinking, talking, just hanging out;
We have, or had, a total bond.
Erath wine- screw cap, no cork;
bed/floor- spirits and good times;
Constant friends, always in life!
Planted seed of confidence- always knew I mattered, never knew that much. A Paradox! Never wanted to ask, afraid of answer.
Now develop feelings, but know that I am valued more as “someone without” that feeling;
To free the truth would violate expectations;
I thought I could think it away, pretend it away, ignore it away!
Continued to respect your interests, more than my own desires; recognized that your happiness is more important than my desires.
Over time it got stronger- Japan, thought it would fade away- instead I passed the minutes and hours, pressing and pushing at the gym.
Earthquake/nuclear reactor- thought of losing so strong; realized what you meant, realized the pain of losing you.
Came back- tried to play it cool;
Hid feelings- thought maybe I would lose interest; Started hanging out a lot- daily.
Tried to maintain neutrality, or at least provide best appearance of it, and respect your wishes.
So hard- began to feel awkward, certain situations were mentally and physically intimate. Yoga, working out, even sharing a quick nap in your bed.
Began to feel like I was betraying you; betraying your thoughts of who I was, and who I was to be. Moved – thought maybe that was the opportunity I needed to forget;
Still couldn’t- “Nuclear Option.”
Destruction of the friendship would be the only way to forget and move on; Still failed. You’re everything to me. And have been.
What will do it? Very torn up.
Spent so much time, every hour, and every day…denying, lying to myself, pretending. Is it possible to lie to yourself? Is it possible that I will one day believe the whispers I tell myself? The denial? I hear your voice every day, and I see your smile every night. How to stop this….?
She’s gonna read this, and ask: “What do u want me to say? I have another life now. This is in the past.”
What do I answer…? How do I face this? This love- it wont die. I’ve tried everything. I’m afraid it’s forever long.