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The MirrorThe mirror Share a connection- whether dinner, movie, drinking, talking, just hanging out; We have, or had, a total bond. Erath wine- screw cap, no cork; bed/floor- spirits and good times; Constant friends, always in life! Planted seed of confidence- always knew I mattered, never knew that much. A Paradox! Never wanted to ask, afraid of answer. Now develop feelings, but know that I am valued more as “someone without” that feeling; To free the truth would violate expectations; I thought I could think it away, pretend it away, ignore it away! Continued to respect your interests, more than my own desires; recognized that your happiness is more important than my desires. Over time it got stronger- Japan, thought it would fade away- instead I passed the minutes and hours, pressing and pushing at the gym. Earthquake/nuclear reactor- thought of losing so strong; realized what you meant, realized the pain of losing you. Came back- tried to play it cool; Hid feelings- thought maybe I would lose interest; Started hanging out a lot- daily. Tried to maintain neutrality, or at least provide best appearance of it, and respect your wishes. So hard- began to feel awkward, certain situations were mentally and physically intimate. Yoga, working out, even sharing a quick nap in your bed. Began to feel like I was betraying you; betraying your thoughts of who I was, and who I was to be. Moved – thought maybe that was the opportunity I needed to forget; Still couldn’t- “Nuclear Option.” Destruction of the friendship would be the only way to forget and move on; Still failed. You’re everything to me. And have been. What will do it? Very torn up. Spent so much time, every hour, and every day…denying, lying to myself, pretending. Is it possible to lie to yourself? Is it possible that I will one day believe the whispers I tell myself? The denial? I hear your voice every day, and I see your smile every night. How to stop this….? She’s gonna read this, and ask: “What do u want me to say? I have another life now. This is in the past.” What do I answer…? How do I face this? This love- it wont die. I’ve tried everything. I’m afraid it’s forever long.

The mirror Share a connection- whether dinner, movie, drinking, talking, just hanging out; We have, or had, a total bond. Erath wine- screw cap, no cork; bed/floor- spirits and good times; Constant friends, always in life! Planted seed of confidence- … Continue reading

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I miss you

I really miss you. I love you so much. Some day, I’ll be lucky. I won’t feel like this, I won’t miss your eyes, I won’t miss your smiles. God, I love you though. In this hour, it takes every … Continue reading

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Just. Some. Thoughts.

What a mess! I try to stop thinkin about you, but in tryin to not think, I end up thinking about you! Haha, what a stupid problem to have. You see, I realize we’re friends, close friends, but I can’t … Continue reading

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Some Nights (musing in progress)

Older musing Some nights,  When I see things, Stars and glimmers,  Darkness, and curiosity.  When space, as infinite as it is When it ends- it ends, Because I think of you.  You’re my all, my everything.  My galaxy, my eternity.  … Continue reading

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The Fade (musings in progress)

The Fade The Fade I’ve tried to ignore it- ignore you, I’ve tried to act like it’s not true. I didn’t call you for a year, I told myself I hated you. When you got on the plane, And away … Continue reading

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Truth, and what I really wish I could say.

Prior Context  In my quest to be the best friend I can be, I have often had to apply a filter with regard to which feelings reach you, and which ones remain hidden. I am not certain how well I … Continue reading

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Playstation Network

Damn playstation network is down! How could they do that to us! And seriously, at what point did the video games I own, turn into essentially “internet connected and llive” only games?! So lame!! I just wanna hop on this … Continue reading

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